Roles of Importance

There's this thing, this idea, that's been swimming around in my head for quite a while now. I've tried to ignore it, tried to write around it. But whatever this idea is, it's been keeping me from writing about anything else. I haven't been able to concentrate on any thought long enough to do anything with it. Except for the one, overwhelming thought that creeps into every space of my life. I swear that I've written that blog a hundred times in my head, hoping that would be enough to squelch the thought so I could move on. And it's not like it's some amazing, thought provoking, wonderfully amusing thing rattling around in here. It's more like a no duh why are you even bothering with it kind of a thought. But it is my thought. And I have to think it's of some value, if for no other reason then to clear my head. So here goes. Annie thoughts and Annie feelings, with the truth as I see it.

It seems kinda of silly saying it aloud, but it just very recently occurred to me just how important the role of fathers are in our lives. Not just my life, but in everyone I know. I'm not saying that mom's haven't influenced our lives, but I never really realized just how much fathers do. I know that I have had lots of issues with fathers, but I thought it was just my burden. I know better now.

It really hit me when I started thinking about my boys and the influence fathers have played in their lives. At such young ages, I already see how their lives are being molded by fathers. Nothing is simple or easy in our family regarding fathers. That's just not our style.

Mac has an odd relationship with father. His biological father has been a constant role in his life. He's been the fun dad who gets to love a well behaved, no problems kind of Mac. Mac loves that father, but I've never seen respect, no real impact on who my child is or wants to be. It's been an up and down relationship with his stepfather, my husband, Forest. Mac loves him but still feels a loyalty to his father. And Forest loves him, some days for no other reason than Mac is my son. They are both learning the difference between the father who is there every day and the one who isn't. Mac sees the difference in loving your family because they are family and choosing to love someone and making them family by watching his fathers. Mac's 11 almost 12 little years have already shown him that family is who takes care of you and he has learned this through his fathers and through the wonderful influence of his grandfather.

Sean's relationship with father has been a little more sorrowful. Sean's father died of leukemia before he was even 2. So he has nothing but my memories to go by and I never thought I'd have to remember it all. Instead of ever being bitter or hateful about losing his father, Sean has instead pulled fatherly attention towards him in amazing ways. Sean is loved more deeply by his grandfather and stepfather than I believe a biological father could love. I know and love this child, but the love he shares with these two men is a truly awesome thing to behold. Sean has learned from his fathers that love exists with whomever you choose to share it with.

I've watched my husband struggle with how father has shaped his life. He lost his father almost 25 years ago and he still mourns every day, but he won't talk about his father. He idealizes his father and tries to make himself in his father's image, never seeing that the image might be flawed. The way he chooses to father is based on these memories and is frustrating and wonderful and filled with good intention and with love. And it's not just the way he decides to be a father. It's every part of his life. His relationship with everyone. It's really hard to watch someday's. My husband's struggle with how to be a man has been molded by his relationship with his father.

My life has been shaped over and over again by father. I've had ups and down, maybe more downs than ups. I have at times let the idea of father consume my life. I've been lulled to a peaceful sleep by father and been kept awake tormented nights by father. I loved father and I've hated father. I could never ignore father. I have two fathers. One I have recently chosen to be friends with and one who now takes care of me and tells me that he's proud of me which something I've always wanted from father. My relationship with fathers lead me to many of the decisions I've made in life, both good and bad. I've spent a good deal of my life looking for father.

And there is one that I've constantly overlooked. The Father that I couldn't run away from even when I tried. The Father I couldn't hide from no matter where I was. The Father who was always there even when I thought I didn't want Him. The Father who always wanted me. It has never mattered to Father if I'm good or bad, right or wrong, He loves me no matter what. This seems like simple stuff but it's very hard for me some days. I try everyday to give control over to my Father, because I know He'll take care of me. I'm learning everyday that God, my heavenly Father, is enough.

My earnest prayer is that the relationship with my Father shapes my life and the life of all those I love more than anything else ever will. I pray that we give our lives to this Father. I pray that we all know just how much this Father loves us and what wonderful things He will do in our lives. I pray that He is the one that will mold my life most.

One of these days, I'll quit looking for father. I will be able to accept who my Father is and what He wants for me. Hopefully sooner than later.