Not Much of Anything

I have an addictive personality.

Well, maybe the word addiction is a little strong.

Maybe I just do certain things over and over and over again.

And maybe I really like doing these things over and over and over.

These things just might make me a little happy.

But I can quit. Really, I can.

And I have quit before. I just pick up new things to take their place. Or I just totally lose interest in whatever it was.

And before you get upset, I am not talking about non-prescription drugs or alcohol. It's other kind of stuff.

Let me tell you about my current pseudo-addictions.

FaceBook of course. But my need to constantly check to see if I have any new inbox messages or new notifications will be fading soon. See, school starts back up on the 11th of January and with six classes, I don't think that I'll be caring as much about such things. So that's something I'll be quitting. By choice. Kind of.

Pepsi. I have  to have at least one Pepsi every day. Not diet not caffeine free. Real Pepsi. Pepsi Throwback when I can find it. And other things with caffeine and sugar just don't cut it. Right now. It was coffee just about a month ago. Had  to have my coffee. Now I want Pepsi. When I have that cold can in my little hand, all is right with the world. I don't see me giving up the Pepsi any time soon. But it might just morph back into the coffee thing. But I could quit if I wanted to. I just don't want to.

Now, I've only had the internet at my house for a short time. Maybe for four months. So a lot of the internet addictions have been slow getting to me. And the one that holds me in it's icy grasp right now is...free stuff !Not the you have to do a survey and participate in these offers free but the honest to goodness free stuff! I've played with this before and gotten some ok stuff, but now I have time to devote to finding good free stuff. I just might be getting a free Snuggie! I've always thought that they were ridiculous, but if it's free, that totally changes everything. I've got free t-shirts coming, free calendars, free shampoo, free perfume and cologne, deodorant, toothpaste, household cleaning products, and who knows what else!! Sure most of it will be teeny little sample sizes, but it's free! No shipping, no credit card information. Just free. I didn't know all this stuff was out there! And I can't quit! New products every day! I'm sure that I'll eventually get bored with it, but not just yet.

I think I'm a little addicted to not sleeping.

I'm addicted to my little Christmas tree that I refuse to take down, for now.

I addicted to shopping. Sometimes. And I never spend much. But it feels so good to buy things!

I really love using moisturizers. A lot. Hands, face, feet. All need moisture. And I like giving it to them.

And maybe I'm a little pseudo-addicted to getting what I want. I'll wait to get what I want. Sometimes for a very long time. But in the end, I almost always get what I want. That is an addictive feeling. And I like it!

So, you've been reading and reading and now you're wondering what's this blog really about?

Not much of anything.

Just a little writing to clear my head a little so that maybe I'll sleep tonight.

But beware that if you are the one who introduces me to something new and interesting and this addictive part of me pops out..... I'll thank you! And make sure you share in my joy!

Bring it on!

As a new year approaches, I have many things to think about.

I'm looking back at all this year has brought, and looking forward to see what all this new  year will bring.

Some pretty amazing things have happened this year.

 I graduated! Sure it was just a two year degree, a stepping stone towards my goals. But I did it! With two kids, a husband, and a life, I did it! It was my first graduation since 8th grade. So it really is important. Not just for me, not just for my mom, but my kids were there. They saw me make a commitment to all of our futures and follow through with it. That was good this year.

Following the graduation, I was accepted at a University. A real, honest to goodness, four year, big kid University. And it just so happens to be the University I was able to watch my mother graduate from. The University of Alabama in Huntsville is my new home away from home. And after just one semester, I can't wait to get back! I keep getting a little bit closer to being the teacher I've always wanted to be! This has been a good thing. 

All year long my kids have been a good thing. They are a constant source of joy and laughter. Of course, they drive me crazy at times, but it's more happy then not. Lots and lots and lots of laughter. They are funny boys. I appreciate what they bring to my life. I like them and I love them. They are good things every year.

Speaking of those boys, I found them a great school this year! I've watched both of my boys grow and mature, gain friends, and excell. That's kinda new to this year. But it's not all good. At the end of the school year, the school will be closed down. For the rest of thier years in school, through the good and the bad, we will have to live with knowing how good it can be. So I guess that's a good and bad thing about this year.

My church is a good thing. The peace I feel everytime I walk into that building is a great thing. This year especially.

I've been able to reconnect with people in my family! And I get to know them as a grown up. I don't have to be just the kid anymore! I get to be an adult too! This has been a great thing this year.

I've mentioned before that I have a horrible memory, so it's with great truth that I say I can't remember many other great things that have happened throughout this year.

But I can remember some not so great things. Those seem to overshadow a lot of the good. And I really don't like talking about them. They bring up lots of hurt.

The things I have done, that other people have done, answers to questions that I didn't like, news I didn't want, realities I had to face.

But maybe a little good has come from the bad. (I am an eternal optimist, though I don't always let it show.)

I think I've learned from the bad. I've learned to trust more. I've learned to love more. I've learned when to fight and when to let it go. I learned that truth comes in many forms.

Another important thing that I've learned, from the good and the bad, is what for better or worse really means and what marriage means to me.

And I learned that my heart could open a little more.

As this new year rushes up on me, I will take all that I know, all that I learned, and all of those I love with me.

 I know that next year, just like any year, won't be all sunshine and roses. Hey, bad things happen.

You know what?

 I'm tough!

 Bring it on!

Whether I Like it or Not

Growing up stinks.

I'm not always a fan of this grown up thing.

Some days, I wish I weren't a grown up.

I miss the days of no responsibility, having someone to tell me what I should do, and no real problems.

But now I am a grown up.

I have to be responsible for at least 3 other people every day. I have to take care of them, I have to feed them, I have to make sure that they don't smell (remember, I have boys). And Forest is a pretty big responsibility. Not that I have to take care of him as if he were a child, but the married part is a responsibility. When you throw in 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a house that must be taken care of (more responsibility), I have way to much to be responsible for. And I haven't even mentioned the fact that I'm a full time student- when done right, lots of responsibility.

And not that responsibility automatically makes me a grown up, it's how I choose to deal with my responsibilities that make me a grown up.

Long story short, I don't always enjoy being the responsible one, the grown up one. But when I try being the one who doesn't care or the irresponsible one, it never works out. That's just not who I am. But I do wish, from time to time, that there was someone who would tell me what to do. Make decisions for me.

And when I really need a grown up, someone's always there for me.

The road to grown up land has been long, winding, and dangerous. I really fought my way to be there. And now that I'm here, the view isn't half bad. Yeah, there are some unfun things about being a grown up, but there are even more wonderful things about it.

Looking at the good and the bad, the hard and the fun, the struggles and the ease of growing up, it's no wonder that I'm having a hard time with my boys growing up. From one day to the next, I don't know who my children will be. I believe with me whole heart that they will grow up to be fine young men and that is the thought that will get me through it all. 10 and 11 don't sound very old and sounds like I should stop worrying about the growing up. But I see them growing every day. Some days it's with great joy, and others it's a nightmare. But it's happening. No matter what I want, they are not my babies anymore.

Every night I pray that their growing up will be easier than mine was.

But I also know that I can't want anything bad enough for them if it's not what they want.

Mostly I know, that whether I like it or not, they are growing up, winding down that road. Though I don't know where that road will lead them, they will be ok. And so will I.

Merry Christmas!!

I have gotten all that I had wanted for Christmas.

It's an odd feeling.

I wanted my own Christmas tree.

I got one.

A beautiful 4 foot tall artificial white tree. It is decorated with black and red balls, for my Georgia Bulldogs, with a tiny silver topper. It has white lights. And it is beautiful. It makes me happy. It sits on a table under the window and is almost always on.

I wanted a gingerbread house.

So I got one.

I constructed it and then let the boys loose on it. That was not an easy thing for me to do. I really  like to be in control. Of everything. But I let them do it. And it was ok. More than ok, it was good, and fun. And then to my surprise, they called me in there with them because they actually wanted me. That was my favorite part of the whole thing. Then after supper tonight, I let them eat the gingerbread house. Laughter rolling throughout my house as we all took turns biting the roof. It was great.

Yesterday I got to go to my mom's.

We spent the day talking, cooking, cleaning, rushing, decorating and laughing. And all with great joy knowing that at the end of the day, Ed was coming home! (Ed is my beloved step-father who has been away a lot lately. It's for work and he is really doing great things, but we all miss him when he's gone.)

I even got to doing new and exciting at mom's. I was put in charge of putting the lights on the tree. I had never put the lights on the tree. Someone taller with more experience has always put the lights on the tree. But yesterday, I was the tallest. And mom did have to go pick Ed up from the airport.

So I grabbed a strand of lights and went at it. Round and round, five strands of multi colored lights on this fabulous tree. Then came the magic moment. I was going to plug it in and observe the wonder of the tree. Or so I thought. Apparently, there is a wrong way of putting lights on a tree. The wrong way would be when you try to plug them in and notice that you don't have the plug end in your hand. You have the other end. Yes, I strung 5 strands backwards. After getting up out of a bed of fir needles that I had been rolling in while laughing my fool head off, I took down the lights and restrung them. Sean helped decorate the rest and got to put the star on top. We were both very happy!

So that was quality Christmas time with my mother and a fun story to carry with me forever.

Another thing I wanted for Christmas was my family. At Christmas Eve service. At my church. (Malcolm is usually with his dad or we are at someone's house and unable to go.)

And tonight we got to go! I was in a beautiful sanctuary surrounded by people I love. It was even better than I had imagined. I am still glowing and filled with with so many blessed feelings that I'm afraid I'll explode!

The other couple of thing's that I wanted- Christmas morning at my house (I usually do that at mom's), then off to mom's for what is sure to be an amazing dinner, and on Saturday, we are going to Forest's sister's house to do Christmas there (we're usually trying to get them fit into the rest of our two day crazy schedule.)

When I look at it, it doesn't seem like I asked for much, mostly just my family together. No shuffling of kids. No crazy schedules. Doing things our way at our pace. Peacefulness.

I got everything I asked for.

And then some more. When I asked for Christmas, I got all of it. I got the family, I got the tree, I got my gingerbread house, and I got to play with some lights and a tree.

But that's not all I got.

I got an open heart, ready for the season. I got to light up with the joy of my Savior's birth. With an open heart, I was able to feel so much more of everything. Sorrow and happiness. Joy and grief.

So as I start what is sure to be the great adventure of present wrapping, I count my many blessings. I will laugh and be joyous, I'll be too tired to get up in the morning, and I'll enjoy every moment.

Tonight, I say an extra prayer for those who are hurting, and wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Almost Listening

There are a few guaranteed things in my life that will always throw me into a panic-attack-tailspin. None of them are really important. But for some reason, these things get me every time.

One of these things is being late. I hate being late. Doesn’t matter whose fault it is, I’m panicking.

Another would be waiting. For people. For Grades. For phone calls. For just about anything. This is different than anticipation. I like that. But when things are supposed to done or given by a certain time and they aren’t, and I‘m stuck waiting, I’m panicked.

I’m not a big fan of not knowing where I’m going. Literally. Like in the car with someone who doesn’t share the destination.

Traffic gets me.

Eighteen wheelers diving past me. Not a happy moment.

I could probably go on and on about things that make me panicky, but I’ll just get straight to the point.

To the big one.

The thing that makes me an absolute crazy mess.

We’re talking Panic City.

I almost feel silly saying it out loud, but I have a panic attack when I don’t know to wear. It’s not an everyday thing. It’s an “I have somewhere to be and know I have to dress a certain way” kind of thing.

Now, I love shopping. I love clothes. I really love shoes. I have large collections of clothes and shoes. Probably have at least one outfit for ANY occasion.

But when it’s time to get dressed, I lose it. I don’t like anything, nothing looks good on me, if I was only taller, thinner, less blonde, less pale, and had more money, then I’d be fine.

That’s what my mind says anyway. And I believe it.

Then I try on everything I own, buy new clothes that I end up not wearing, cry, and generally break down.

It’s not pretty.

My best friend hates that phone call.

But she still talks to me. She tells me the things that would make anyone else calm down. She’s great.

But I don’t believe her either.

All the time knowing how ridiculous I’m being.

So finally it comes down to “have to cover my body and walk out the door” time.

I’m worried and panicked the entire drive.

The steps up to the building are terrifying.

I always turn back at least once.

But then something happens. I find that invisible strength that lives deep inside me that has been hiding this whole time.

I walk into where ever it is that I’m going.

And without fail, there is always someone who tells me that I look nice.

That little phrase, “you look nice,” is all it takes to get me from panic to calm.

Do I think that I’ll ever stop panicking over this, or anything else?

Nah.

But I am learning how not to.

And I’m almost listening. :)

The Monster

It's started.


I knew it would happen.


But I didn't think it would come so soon.

It starts with curiosity. Then creeps to anxiety. Must squash it soon before it runs to panic. 

So I reach for my laptop. I pull it over onto my lap. I slowly open it up. I never turn it off, so I only need to gently wake it. I push the right buttons, click the right things, and wait.

Has anyone read my blog? Does anyone like it? Are there comments?

My heart's beating a little faster. I can feel the flush climbing up my face. Patience no longer exists.


My hand shakes as I click on the screen. Is it there? Anything? No. Quick! Check the other one! Nothing there either? Well, maybe it's not working right. But what if it is?


Then I'm a little miffed.


There I am, pouring out my heart and soul, in a quirky amusing way, and no one cares!


Or at least that's how it feels.


Plus how many do I actually read? How many have I ignored because I don't have the time, patience, or desire to?


But it's me! I'm different! Don't you want to find out about me?


Or maybe you love them, can't get enough, eagerly awaiting the next. But you assume that I know you feel that way.


I wrote the first one on a whim. I thought it would be a good way to get the crazy out. The less thoughts that are in my head, the less that can make me nuts. Or so I thought.


Now that I'm writing it all down, putting it out for the universe to see, I've found something new.


What have you found, dear writer?

I've found the Blog Monster. The big, creep, scary Blog Monster! He greedily eats up all your words, spits out this beautiful blog page, and then he proceeds to eat away at you. He nibbles on your confidence, he chomps on your self assurance, he picks his teeth with your self esteem. Chewing, crunching, sucking, swallowing, til you are nothing but a knot of churning stomach and shaking hand.

He waits for me. He knows what's there. He knows what's not there. He knows what I'm looking for.

A comment. A thought. A little praise.

All I wanted was for someone to like it.

And I'm sure they do. They just don't understand that Annie Monster feeds off of acknowledgment and praise!

But I knew this would happen. I knew that entering the world of blog would do this to me.

Well then, why do you do it?

Because, as crazy as it may make me, I really like doing it. It makes me happy.

So, I'll  continue to fight with the Blog Monster. And maybe someday, I'll win.

My Phonebooth

Your own phonebooth? Really? And just what do you think you're talking about?

Well, I'm talking about that place I wander off to when I'm not concerned with the outside world. It's a lovely little phonebooth, residing in AnnieWorld, occupied by just me. Some people would see this as daydreaming, but it's more than that. It really is me losing all connection with the outside world. It's like a safe little bubble that nothing can enter, unless I allow it to.

To me, this is the best place to be. Nothing bad happens there. I'm also convinced that all of the memories that I lost are floating around in there. (I have the honest to goodness worst memory ever! It ranges from convenient that I can't remember to feeling terrible that I can't remember.) It is my happy place that can go with me everywhere. And I usually don't even know I've been there til I've left! It's funny that way.

In my little phonebooth, I am one with the universe. I know who I am and what I am when I have unlimited access to AnnieWorld.

Every day, I wake up in the phonebooth state of mind. I have a clear head; I know exactly what I'm going to do that day, and exactly how I will react in any situation. This feeling of ecstatic control fades quickly. So fast that I can hardly remember what it really feels like even though it happens every day. Because as soon as I know I have it all together for the day, the phone calls start. Or my kids happen. Or my husband has a different idea on what today should be. Or it could just be my own fault. I have a way of doing, saying, thinking or being that can throw life out of whack in a mere second.

When I fall asleep at night, which doesn't happen well or often, I am consoled by the thought that AnnieWorld will be there waiting. My phonebooth shall greet me with open doors.

I'll have to admit that I haven't been to my phonebooth lately. I know! Not be in the place where you feel so safe and calm!? It's not by choice, promise. Life has been intruding in a very unpleasant way here lately, and my thoughts won't leave me alone long enough for me to run inside to run inside.

But this isn't about all the intrusions. Those are for another day.

This is just giving my phonebooth a little shout-out, which is LONG overdue.


Thanks phonebooth, for being a place of seclusion and joy! And though I might not feel your safety and care tonight, I'll rest easily knowing you gave me a Forest for times you aren't there.



Oh! I almost forgot to tell you my favorite thing about my phonebooth!
Crazy checks itself at the door!

On Being Late

I walked in late to church this morning.

I really hate being late. I get a little panicky when I'm late.

But we were late.

It was a really bad Sunday to be late.

Today was the Christmas Cantata.

It was more crowded in the Sanctuary today than it was on Easter.

And we were late.

The kindly older man who was ushering today helped us find four seats together.

There was only one place left for us.

The front pew of the Sanctuary.

Of course to get there we had to walk in front of the video camera that was recording this Cantata. And in front of about half the church.

I hate being late.

We were doing our best to very quietly sit down.

Didn't happen. We were coughing and sneezing and snuffling, dropping our bulletins, making general nuisances of ourselves.

We can't do anything quietly.

It's not a huge Sanctuary, beautiful, but not big. The riser for the alter is probably only 10 feet from the front pew. In that small, 10 foot area was our music director. And he had to be in a place where he could be seen by all the singing and instrument playing folks.

That put him backed up against the front pew.

Ok. I can handle this.

Knowing that anyone else in the family would accidentally kick the poor man, I went in first.

I slid in, as unobtrusively as possible and then knocked straight into the man. He just looked back at me and smiled.

From my prime seat behind the director, I couldn't see very much. I saw a few altos, and some tenors. I could the young woman playing the cello and a violinist. The French horn, trumpet, and trombone were also in view. But mostly the tails of the director. (He was wearing a formal suit with tails.)

I looked down the pew to see what other unfortunate souls got stuck up in front, and there were the smiling faces of my pastor and the associate minister.

They didn't mind that we were late.

They were just happy to see us.

We had walked in after the announcements and greetings and the other things that happen at the beginning of church, and the program had already started. I missed most of that first song. But every note of every song after that was magical to me.

It's not a big choir, not the most talented. What they did with the music this morning was overwhelming. And I'm sure my expression showed that!

(When we were leaving, the preacher grabbed my hand and wispered in my ear. He told me that he didn't know which he enjoyed more, watching the choir or watching me. He said my face was glowing with the presence of the Lord.)

I felt like a child, being given the most precious gift!

It was the gift of music!

I was awed!

I was truly connected with the Spirit!

I was brought to tears by the beauty of my church.

I still hate being late, but today being late was not the end of the world.

Because, just maybe, God doesn't care if I'm late walking into his house.

He cares that I'm there and that I am moved by his Spirit.

Modern Family

So now you know a little about me. I know it doesn't really seem like much. Kids, husband, school. But we're not a typical family. We are a family of six. My husband is not the father of either of my children and his children, who do not live with us, almost call me their step-mom. As little as four years ago, there were four of us in the house, none with the same last name. It confused the heck out of teachers, but we managed to get by.

Malcolm is my 11 year old. 11 and 9 months if you ask him. He and I have had the privilege of growing up together. I was too young when I had him, but I think we made it work. Mac's father still plays a big role in his life. More than I'd like sometimes, but that's just how it is. Mac is smart. Very smart. But a few things try to hold him back. We just work through them and make life all it can be.

Sean is my baby. My 10 year old baby. He is at least 2 inches taller than his big brother and about 30 pounds heavier. Not much of a baby. He came around when I was too young, too. His father was a dear man who passed away before Sean was even two. To make up for this fatherlessness, Sean captures the heart and admiration of all men who have been placed in his life. I don't think it would be possible for a father to love a child more than his Grandaddy or his step-father do.

Both of my boys are amazing, a blessing in my life, and keep us all laughing.

Forest brought twin boys to the table, William and Andrew. While the boys haven't played a big role in our lives, their existence sure has. It has played out like a really bad, unbelievable soap opera. I love those boys dearly and wish I could have been in their lives more. They're 16, nearly 17, and don't have much room for me, but they know I'll always be there if they need me.

More about Forest. He is a decade older than me! He doesn't like it when I put it that way. Says it makes him feel old. But the fact remains that he is 10 years older than me. The age thing occasionally puts an interesting spin on things (like when we're out and people think I'm his daughter). He also has the honor of being the youngest of 11 children. Yes, I said 11. He didn't grow up with them all and is half-brother to 8 of his siblings. He is closest to the 3 youngest sisters. But he is definitely the baby.

Forest and I have been married for almost 4 years now. First marriage for both of us. The ceremony took place in my mother's living room and was preformed by my Grandfather. Not much of a wedding but a great start to our marriage! We both come from our own nontraditional pasts, our own bad decisions, and our own ideas of how things should be. Our marriage has been far from perfect but we are deeply in love! People looking from the outside can't always see what it is that we have, but it is amazing!

So, that's us. The modern family. Not always the things hopes and dream are made of, but it is just right for me! These 2, 3, or 5 creatures, in any combination, feed my chaos, and I wouldn't have it any other way!!

Here I Am

For a long time, I've been trying to decide if there are enough reasons to write my own blog. I'm worried that no one will read it. That if they do read it, they won't like it. That I could be revealing more of myself than I ever wanted to. Or that I might learn more about myself than I ever wanted to.

For those of you who have decided that I am worth your time, thanks! Your reward is getting to know a little bit about me.

I'm Annie, mother of two boys, Malcolm, 11, and Sean, 10, wife to Forest, care-taker of dogs and cats, and a full time student at University of Alabama in Huntsville(UAH). I have twin 16 year old step-sons who jump in and out of our lives. I have dear friends who are always there for me and family who I'm lucky enough to call friends too. I am also a daughter to a wonderful mother, a step-father who says he's proud of me, and a father I'm trying to get to know again.

If you throw in the fact that I just might be a little crazy, you get a household that is full of laughter, tears, and love.

I work on staying sane one day at a time.

It's either that, or drown in this sea of men.