Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Now that I'm 30....

I've been waiting.
Ever since I turned 30.
I've been waiting for all those secrets that they keep from the 29 and younger crowd.
I knew they would be great--explain all the tricky things in life, make everything go smoother. Or just the jokes that only people who have been thirty would get.
Well, I was beginning to think that maybe I had just imagined it all because I wanted thirty to be so special...until today.
Today, with my thirty year old brain, I was able to figure something out that a mere 29 year old would be clueless of.

I figured out the true meaning of Black Friday.

Now, I am a little skeptical of sharing this. I haven't gotten my thirty year old handbook yet.
All of you older than me already know this, but I'm afraid that some youngster might get their hands on it and through the whole planet out of alignment.
But I'm gonna bank on all those young whipper-snappers keeping there mouths shut and behaving til they're thirty.

Ok, here goes.
The real reason for Black Friday is to----

cover all of your windows and mirrors and shake your naked booty!
It's naked dancing time!!

I suggest doing it after a shower, great way to dry off.
If you have kids in the house, close your bedroom door and call 5 minutes of mommy time.
If you like the way your body looks jiggling in all it's glory, keep the mirrors uncovered! (might be best to keep the windows covered though)
Play your favorite music loudly and stomp that naked arse all over the house!!

So, why do we do this?
(because we can)
Age has perks and naked dancing is one of them.
Celebrate what you have while you bounce, twirl, and wiggle away!!
(might even burn some calories too)
Do it alone or with those you love.
If you just can't  do naked, show off those rockin' undies!!

Have fun! Let loose! Don't be afraid to just be yourself!!

So who's going to join me this year in this new found tradition??
Who's going to help me redefine Black Friday?

Sounds better than all that financial mumbo-jumbo, right?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Goodbye October

October has been a real test for me and I'm not sad to see it go.
I know that on a large scale, visible to everyone it might not seem like it's been too bad.-I know I've had worse.
And any single event would have been taken lightly.
But every week, every day, something else has popped up.
Catastrophe after catastrophe. Fights, technically difficulties, and crappy doctor's appointments.

And I've handled it all very spectacularly. I wanted to beak down, give up, give in, but I haven't.
What this month has really brought to me though is doubts. It's made me feel horrible about myself and every choice I've ever made.

I doubt my ability to mother one of my sons--he's driving me nuts in a way I didn't know was possible, even find myself not taking his side. And I find myself wondering if I'm the right parent for him.

I doubt my ability to be a good wife--my husband and I are living such different schedules and I'd rather pity myself than try to help the fragile relationship we have. And the fights and frigidity follow.

I doubt my ability to be a friend--I ignored her when she reached out to me and can't or just won't find time in my life for her. Maybe I'm just not cut out for friendship.

I doubt my faith. I can't get over myself enough to place trust where it belongs and just give my life over. I try and blame the church, but I know better.

All of this is hard. I've been though it all before in varying shapes and usually come out on top(-ish).
 But I always knew, 100%, without doubt that there was still one thing I was good at.
I was good at school.
I took real pride in what I was doing and in the kind of student I was.
And maybe if it was just one teacher or one assignment, I wouldn't have noticed.
But no, not in October. In October, every single one of my teachers have called me out, either out loud, in class or in semi-personal notes telling me that I'm just not that good at what I'm doing.
I don't write well, I don't comprehend complex material, I talk too much, and that my thoughts might be ok if someone else were expressing them.
What feels like the final nail in the coffin was a comment left for me tonight.
I was being honest with the teacher when I told her that I'm not sure I understood the reason for analyzing and dissecting literature, that it seemed to take away some of the pleasure of reading. Her response was that I'd just be better off doing book-clubs. That I wasn't quite literature material.

And it hurt.
I know how stupid it sounds, but I try so hard at this and the people who I had come to really respect tell me I shouldn't even bother.

I  know I can't be the best at everything. Heck, I know I can't even do everything! I don't have aspirations of being a super-mom.
Right now I'd settle for mediocre-mom. And wife. And friend. And follower.

I know that it will all blow over, that life has it's ups and downs. But right now it's feeling plenty down.

But don't you worry about me. I'll just plaster that fake smile across my face and pretend that everything's fine.
And eventually it will be.
I just hope that there aren't any more October's in my near future.

Monday, October 11, 2010

If it ain't broke...

I have flash drives.
Lots of flash drives.
All over my house.
I even carry one on my key chain.

I took some advice from someone who spends way too much time looking after me, I decided that it just might be time to consolidate.
This caretaker happened to come across a great deal and bought me a big flash drive that would hold all of my work. I spent much time gathering said flash drives and getting many semesters worth of very hard work onto one flash drive. I was backed up and it felt good. I erased all the baby drives and sent some off to school with my children and had the rest laying around as decorations.

I carried the big daddy drive with me everywhere always carefully backing up and work I did- I learned the backup lesson after The Great Computer crash of '09.

Last Wednesday, in a computer lab at school, I inserted my handy dandy flash drive into the computer to save the work I had just completed, and something wasn't right. The computer threw up a mean red flag and told me that the drive wasn't inserted. My eyes certainly disagreed as I could see the flash drive protruding from the massive black tower, but again the computer said that it wasn't there. I passed it off as a quirky computer thing, ejected the flash drive, and went off to my next class.

If you know me at all you know that I am The Great Procrastinator and it will come to no surprise that I ended up doing a great amount of work last minute this Sunday. Part of this work is a notebook project that involves busy work and wasted paper. I wasn't in the mood to waste my ink (couldn't anyway, don't have any) or my paper so I pulled out the big daddy handy dandy flash drive, hooked it up to my computer, and my precious laptop informs me that there is no drive inserted. Then it prompts me to format the drive. Then it tells me that it not able to be formatted.
And It Will Not Open!
Six semesters worth of work (minus that which was lost in the crash) IS GONE!!
For sure if it's there I don't know how to retrieve it.

And my heart dropped into my stomach.

This is not good.

This may not be fixable.

I might have lost so much inspired work on the whimsy of a flash drive.

I backed-up! I did what I was supposed to!

The stupid flash drive did not hold up it's end of the bargain.

So now I'm sitting here, hurt once again by a computer. I just about feel violated. Mainly I feel really bad and very upset about my work just disappearing.

But I have learned a new lesson. Backing up isn't good enough. You need to back up your back up and in several different places. And I'm sure that once I start getting the hang of that, something else will change, I'll lose even more work, and will have yet another hard computer lesson to learn.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Handing it over

I did something really hard.
I mean, unbelievably, unfathomable, big time hard.
I handed over a decision.
A big one too.
Not just "what's for supper?" but a life shaping "you decide what's best" kind of decision.
You see, I had it in my head that we had to move. If you saw my house you'd understand that to me it was a have to not want to. It didn't help matters that my children's school was closing and my kids were school-less. And the school that they would now be sent to was unacceptable.

So the discussions began. And by discussions I mean that I talked my husband's ear off teling him what I wanted him to agree to without ever really listening to him--and that's how most all our discussions go.

Summer started, cleaning/packing began, and we started looking for a place to go.
Budget tight, must haves high.
We looked at lots of places and I fel in love with parts of all of them.
And he was silent.
I didn't ask how he felt about any place, I just made my own plans in my head.
And oh my head!
It was spinning and whirling and running and making so much noise! I had driven myself to stress levels that should never be allowed in any human. I was making myself sick.
Summer's racing by and I haven't decided! And now we have to go away for a week! A whole week of not looking talking hunting seeing!
And it was a great week. I saw sides of my husband and son I didn't know existed. But I was still stressed.
I prayed and prayed, wore out my knees praying that week. "Where should I move, where should I put my kids in school, what should I decide?" I didn't feel like I was getting any answer.
But I was feeling even more stressed. My body was rebeling against me! What was I going to do?

And then, in a moment of clairity, I thought about Forest. No, he doesn't have a perfect track record regarding decisions, but he also loves me and wants what's best for our family. And, he doesn't get stressed.
So we got back from our week, and I left for my week.
But before I left, I asked him to please decide for me. That I couldn't do it anymore. And then I said the scary thing. I said that I would go along non-grudgingly with whatever decision he made.
We've been a part of each other's lives for close to eight years now.
This was the first time I've put a decision like this in his hands.
Why, oh why didn't I do this sooner?

So I'm staying in house I hated and my kids are going to the school I thought was unacceptable. But he tells me that it'll all be ok, and I believe him.
And this, my friends, is a really big step for me.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The fabric of stories

Before I can write my stories, I must talk about who makes up a story. My story isn't my story. It is the story of all of those who touch my life. And it's all of their stories too. Starting before I was born, my mother's story was mine, I had nothing to tell, but her story wouldn't be the same without me. My parents story made me into who I am. Every story I may tell weaves  it's way back to them. And my stories would be so dry and boring if I couldn't tell my boys' stories too. And their stories wouldn't be here if it weren't for my stories.

Of course now, probably the most influential parts of my stories are shared. His stories and my stories are one story together. The only time they aren't the same is when we are apart, but they are still held together by some mighty strong threads. And then, when we are together again, we share, laugh, cry, and our stories become one again. Yes, perspective makes our same stories completely different but that gives us something to share and to strengthen those threads.

The other thing that accompanies stories and all who tell them is bad plots. Those little things make life unpleasant. The things that someone has done, done to us, or done without regard to us. That which makes us feel guilty, although we've done nothing wrong. The things we don't want in our stories because we don't want anyone to know about it. But while we hide others' secrets, our stories suffer. We aren't allowing sympathy or empathy into our lives. We are closed off and isolated. We can't fully live when we are hiding other people's character flaws, when we allow non founded guilt to keep others out, when we forget how to forgive and love.

So when I start to tell a story and wonder if it's mine to tell I realize without a doubt that it has to be mine, bad plot lines and all. That if the story is in, has changed, or is working in my life, then it's my story too. I do know that some things are truly better off not said, shared, and that there are times when I should check before including your part of my story, but I'm not going to hide from the story.

 I wouldn't be Annie without your stories, and I hope that my stories make up a little part of you too.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Long time no read


I was told this weekend that I ought to write more. Or at all for that matter. I'm not sure if this person enjoys my writing or just knows that sometimes I need to let it out.

Truth is, blogging feels great. I love to write. Every day in my little head I must write a million pages. But I don't bother to write them. That overwhelming voice telling me that no one cares what I have to say; that I'm better off being anonymous, quiet.

But I do have good stories and I ought to write them before I forget them. I mean, my stars, I just spent the past two weeks of my life doing some great things! Maybe I'm being selfish by not telling my stories. I don't want anyone to know just what I've done and how great it was. I let one person catch me being myself and she has to go and tell everyone how great I am and about the "gifts" I have. Please. I just do what I can. I'm not a humble person, but don't praise me for just being Annie- cause let me tell you, a lot of the time being Annie is no picnic.

 
So I guess I might just start writing again. An English teacher-in-training does not have the luxury of being shy about her writing. You'll just have to forgive me if the stories don't seem interesting to you or are poorly written, it's just me being unsure of my words. I don't have the grace, knowledge, and vocabulary as some folks, but I always write from my heart and if I can always do that, then maybe you'll know my joy, too.  I know that if I want to count my life as a success, I must live it, insecurities and all.

Friday, May 7, 2010

It's Friday!



Well hey y'all!



I don't have anything pressing on my mind tonight. More than anything I was itching to show off my new design. And all the little extras that I created (hint, hint, look at my button).


Well this week was exam week. Out of five classes, I had three real exams and they were all on Thursday. I had one "exam" on Wednesday. It was a killer--we had to go out to PF Chang's and eat supper together. And it was optional. But the three exams on Thursday were rough. I got B's in all three of those classes and I am thrilled with those grades. Still waiting on the other two, but I'm not obsessing.


So today really was the end of the semester for me. And let me say Thank Goodness! Hands down, this has been the worst semester EVER. And it's not just me saying that. Everyone is; the students, the professors, the spouses of the students. Now, I am at a school where a teacher decided to kill fellow teachers and no one really recovers from that well. It's not that we are in shock, or grieving, or are scared. It just threw everyone off. And on top of that, it seems like everyone--teachers (and me) included--have had some sort of personal disasters happen in their life. I think the planets aligned and evil ran rampant in Morton Hall at UAHuntsville.


But it's done. And I survived. And to celebrate, some of the education students got together tonight and had a great supper and spent quality time together out of the classroom. And we even ran into one of our favorite (and most intimidating.he.is.brilliant.) professors and his lovely wife. I took my husband and kids and it was just so nice to not be stressed out for a change.


And now it's time for summer. I opted to not take summer classes. Of course that means that next summer I have to take four classes, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. This summer, I am just going to be. Now, that doesn't mean I'll be sitting around doing nothing. I've got several months of real cleaning to catch up on. There's a delightful rumor *fingers crossed* that I could be moving this summer. I must find a school for my children. I get to go build houses with my church. I have boys to play with and movies to watch and books to read. But I get to do it all at my pace. And I don't have to reflect (education word of death) on anything or write any papers. 



I get to be Annie.

And that's a good thing.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Stewing in a Pew

So I'm talking to my preacher Tommy today during church. He was telling me about the change in confirmation schedule. He asked if Tuesday at 4:30pm would be alright with Mac. I said sure, we had made this a commitment, so on and so forth. Now I told him that it would be Forest bringing him because I'd be at class. Tommy looked at me oddly. I said, no really, I'm in class all the time, you know that! Then with an impish grin, he said of course I know that, I read about it on FaceBook. Luckily, someone else grabbed his attention and I was off the hook.

And I was mad. Now really, I am very careful about what I post. Family and kids are on there! But I had forgotten that I'm friends with Tommy. I don't post anything that I would be ashamed if my family or friend saw, so why was I ashamed that Tommy was reading it?

I'm sitting in the pew stewing over the look on his face thinking what I could have possibly posted to get that reaction. And then he stated preaching!

And Oh My Stars he was at preaching me!

That really got my blood pressure up. How could that man stand there and judge me like that! Preaching from James 13, that to show others that we love and follow Christ that we must love one another. That while it's great to wear our crosses and our Christan t-shirts and listen to Christian music and put catchy bumper stickers on our cars, that we still have to love others to show that we are Christians.

We need to do loving actions to love others. Say kind words, do nice (and unexpected things) things (my fav is Tommy telling us that he likes to pay for the people behind him in the drive-thu), do things that show we love others.

None of this seems hard. But then I realized that while I live parts of my life that way, some of the much more public parts don't show this side of me.

 Especially my FaceBook side.

That side can be ugly. And when I think of how unloving and uncaring I can be, how sharp and biting my words can be, and how unkind so many of my thoughts are

it hurts me.

So yeah, he was preaching at me. God placed those words in his mouth so that they would be placed on my heart. And I'm glad for it.

I might not ever know what that grin was about. It might not have meant anything. But it did set up my heart for things I needed to hear.

So, with even more care and vigilance, I will be mindful of what I say and how I say it. That my ugly thoughts stay with me and not let into the world. That I won't say things that I'd be ashamed for Tommy to hear.

God, I have not loved you with my whole heart
I have not been obedient
I have not done your will
But God, I'm here now asking for help
Trying to love you 
Trying to love others
Trying to love me
Trying to be who you made me to be
And God,
Thank you

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

In case you've ever wondered...

I had to write a paper describing my perfect classroom. When told that it had to be at least 8 pages, I freaked. It's a twelve page paper with lots left unsaid.
So in case you're bored, enjoy Annie's perfect class.....


I have designed the perfect classroom for me. It is twenty-five feet by twenty-five feet and on the ground floor. The windows are south facing, so I always have an abundance of sunlight in my room. It is painted a delightful shade of blue, and it being an older building, my room has beautifully aged hardwood floors. When you first walk into my classroom, you will step on a colorful square shaped rug. This rug is for aesthetic design as well as a way for students to feel welcome into my classroom. It will also help dampen the noise of teenage feet and act as a reminder to be mindful of the noise you are making. I will keep a small vacuum in my room to clean my rugs so not to burden the janitors. This classroom will be in a rural school, will either be a middle or high school, and will run on a block schedule.

To the right of the door, and rug, is a student table with four chairs. The table is wooden and shines with age. Under the most recent coats of varnish, you can faintly see the years of student doodling and carvings. The chairs are fairly plain. The only remarkable thing about them is that they have blue tennis balls on the bottom to help prevent the noise of moving chairs and to protect the floor. This table provides a place for group work away from the rest of the class. It will also be used for make-up tests and individual study. This table can also be used for a student with ADHD, to allow them another seating choice. I will also have this table available for students with physical handicaps. If a student teacher or other guest is in the room, this table would provide ample work space as well as let them remain as discrete as needed. There is plenty of space around the table, allowing me to move it to fit my students’ needs.

To the left of the door is a kidney shaped table with five chairs around it. The only thing of interest about this table is the paint that was rolled on to the top years ago. My best guess is that the table was supposed to be green, but it has faded to an odd shade of gray. If you scrape away at the paint, you can see the cheerful green it used to be. The chairs around this table are a classic school style made of wood. I will keep the class laptop on this table, in case a student needs to use one during class. The laptop will have all the securities of any student accessible computer in the school. Students will need to ask before using the laptop. This table would be primarily used for small group instruction. The chair on the inside of the U would be my chair, ensuring that my back would not be to the class. This table would also be used for small group work, for students who need additional seating, and could be used for students with physical handicaps. There is plenty of space around this table to accommodate my needs and the needs of my students.

The central feature of the classroom is the desks. I have twenty-six desks in the room in an open U shape. The U is open to allow access to the desks, by both me and the students. I also have the desks in this way so that they could easily be maneuvered into rows facing each other. When the desks are in the open U position, I can easily lecture and hold discussion as well as be the center of attention in the classroom. This positioning of the desks allows me to move about the desks, keeping an eye on what is going on in the classroom; great for both perscapacity and proximity. When I move the desk so that the rows are facing each other from across the room, it allows for change and is ideal for structured classroom debates. I have enough room to arrange the desks in anyway needed, but will mostly utilize the open U formation.

Within the open arms of the U, there is a circle shaped rug. It is an old braided rug that might not be as vibrant as it once was, but is still pleasing to look at. It has a non-skid back to avoid and embarrassing slips and falls. This rug holds many purposes. When either I or one of my students is standing on the rug, the class should give their full attention to them. From day one, I will use the rug as a signal for the class to settle down and to be quiet. Also, when my students have presentations to give, I will have them stand on the rug. This will allow the student giving the presentation to have the attention of the class. This rug is where a majority of my lectures will be given, or started from. The rug is a focal point of the U and it will be easy for all of the students to see and give attention to whoever is on the rug. The rug will also come in handy in helping to muffle the sounds of loud, clacking shoes that might be present in the classroom as well as give feet much needed relief.

Behind the right side of the U, there are two windows. The windows offer a view of an old tree and the outside classroom. The windows are able to be opened to allow fresh air in and have blinds that are rarely closed. There are screens on the windows so that objects, or students, cannot come in or go out of the windows.

Where the wall with the windows meets the back wall of the room, there are two bookshelves, both painted white. These bookshelves hold the class encyclopedias, the class dictionaries and thesauruses, and other classroom supplies. The supplies available will be paper, pencils, pencil sharpener, and pens as well as other materials that might be needed during the school year. There will be a stapler for student use as well as paperclips, a hole punch, and tape dispenser. I will also keep the tissues and hand sanitizer on these shelves. The supplies and materials on these shelves will be available to the students before class and can also be accessed during class time after instructions and lectures have been given. On the side of the shelving unit along the back wall, there are several hanging metal baskets. One basket will be for make-up work; another for papers handed out; a basket for any accepted late assignments; and one for daily work and homework that needs to be handed in. I will have folders in the basket for each class so that the baskets stay organized.

Next to this arrangement of shelves available for student accessible supplies hang the classroom rules. The rules are handwritten in black on a white, laminated sheet of paper. These rules will be hanging up in that spot from the first day of class along with the five themes of citizenship, also handwritten on a sheet of white laminated paper. Both documents have a bright border around them to set them apart as an important part of the classroom. On the first day of class I will go over the rules and themes of citizenship as well as send home a copy of them for the students and parents to sign and send back to class. Students will be held accountable for following the rules and abiding by the themes of citizenship.

I have four simple rules for my classroom: Respect yourself; Respect others; Respect me; and Follow all school rules. Because my rules seem so simple and filled with holes, I will need to thoroughly go over the rules on day one, as well as need to constantly remind my students what the rules mean as they try to find the loopholes. I chose these rules because I believe they will create a learning environment that will be high-challenge and low-threat for the students and me. When students respect themselves, they will choose their words with deliberation and thought, helping to eliminate inappropriate language and hopefully, uncertainty. When students choose to respect others, they will not ridicule others for statements made and will gain a sense of empathy and respect that they might have not previously considered towards other students. When the students choose to respect me, they will see that I am an advocate for them and will be willing to work with them to reach their individual learning needs. When they choose to respect me, they will also turn their work in on time, come to class on time and prepared, and will give me the opportunity to teach them every day. The last rule, follow all school rules, covers anything that I may have missed as well as showing the students that I value all school rules.

The five themes of citizenship are honesty, respect, responsibility, courage, and compassion. I will discuss these with my students on day and will be able to refer to them as necessary during the school year. By displaying and referring to these themes, I will set up my classroom to be a safe and caring place where my students will be able to learn in a healthy environment. When my students engage in inappropriate behavior or are making bad decisions, I can simply ask if they are displaying the themes of citizenship. When they realize that they are not, then they will have a better understanding of what can be done to correct the undesired behavior or help them to make better decisions.

Hanging on the back wall next to the rules and themes of citizenship is the whiteboard and the Smart Board. This is visible to the entire U, and is easily accessed by me. There is also a pull down screen that hangs above the boards. I would use the whiteboard to write down the day’s schedule for each class. The Smart Board will be used when necessary. I’m not very familiar with the Smart Board technology currently, but know enough to know that I’d like one in my classroom. With knowledge of how to use it, I’m sure I’ll come up with ways to use it. I will utilize the pull down screen on a regular basis. Hanging from the ceiling, I will have one of those projector-computer things that will be connected to my computer. Anything that needs to be viewed by the whole class will be visible to everyone in the classroom on the screen. I will also have a clock hanging above the whiteboard, off to the side so that the screen will not cover it when it is pulled down. On the opposite wall, above the door, will be another clock so that I can keep track of time during class.

In the corner where the back wall meets the wall opposite of the window wall is my desk area. I will have two desks, in an L shape, with one desk against the side wall and the other desk facing the classroom. On the desk against the wall will be my computer. The computer is placed in such a way that students will not have access to it. If, for some good reason, they need to use a computer in my classroom, they will access to the laptop that is on the kidney shaped table. All presentations that may include power point or some other form of computer technology will be given to me to display from my computer onto the pull down screen. This computer is linked to the school network and will always stay at school. I will also have a personal laptop on the same desk as my computer that can be hooked up to the school’s network and will allow some flexibility for mobility in the room. It will also ensure that I can easily take work home as needed.

Coming out from the corner of the computer desk will be my desk. I will have my office chair facing the classroom, but also able to swivel to work on the computer if necessary. No matter where I am in my desk area, I will easily be able to see what’s going on in the classroom. The desk is not butted up against the wall. Instead there is an area between the computer desk, my desk, and the wall where I will have a chair set up. This chair is for students to come and ask for help, so that I can continue to keep an eye on the classroom. The chair would also come in handy if a student just needs to talk. My desk will be relatively free of clutter. I know that I’ll have some things on it, but hopefully not too much. The baskets hanging on the shelves will eliminate student work piling up on my desk. Under the desk will be filing cabinets where I will keep important teacher documents. At least one of the drawers will be locking, and I will keep any IEP’s in the locked drawer. I do not see myself spending a lot of time sitting at my desk. I plan on being an up-walking-around kind of teacher. But when I do need to sit, I want a comfortable, yet accessible place to be.

On the same wall as my computer desk, I will have four white bookshelves set up. These shelves will be filled books. These books will be available for the students to read in class or to take home. I will have a simple checkout system that is based on a checkout system that I learned from Dr. Gail Pritchard during college. I will have a sheet for each student with a place to put the title, author, and ISBN number of the book. These papers will be kept in a folder that will be on the side of the bookshelf. Every class will have their own folder. One a student has returned a book, they will need to find their sheet and cross off the book that they have returned. I will depend on the honesty of the students to keep the books in good shape and to ensure that they are returned. I hope that my trust of the students will harbor a respect for my belongings as well as encourage my students to read. Beside the bookshelves, in the corner, there will be a beanbag chair. This chair will be available for students to sit and read in during free reading time. At first, I will watch to see how the students react to the chair and how they will work out who sits there and when. In operating this way, the students will be utilizing problem solving skills as well as giving them an opportunity to learn to work together. When problems arise, and I see it arising quickly, I will go to alphabetical order. Everyone will be assigned a day that they are allowed to sit in the chair during free reading time. If I find that there is no desire to use the beanbag chair, I will remove it from the room to avoid any unneeded clutter.

As we’ve moved through my room, you will notice that there are very few things hanging on my walls. Aside from the clocks, rules, and themes of citizenship, I don’t intend on having much of anything on the walls. I believe that multiple posters and signs and pictures will only distract the students. I want to impart on the students that this is a place of learning, not for goofy posters. And it would not just be a distraction for the students; it would be a distraction to me as well. I want my room to be a calm and soothing place where young minds are constantly inspired to learn.

Now we will move on to the nuts and bolts of how my classroom will run on a daily basis. All of the expected behavioral polices; reward systems; procedures; and routines will be thoroughly discussed on the first day of class, and will be reviewed as needed throughout the school year. My first line of defense against behavioral issues is the classroom rules. Since I know that children will occasionally act inappropriately and make decisions, I have plans to deal with all kinds of behavior. For non-problems, such as brief inattentiveness that does not interfere with instruction, I will ignore the behavior. If I were to choose to draw attention to this behavior, I would be detracting from the positive classroom environment. By simply using proximity or giving the student a look, the behavior should cease. For minor problems there are many different kinds of interventions that can be used. A minor problem is one that would not significantly interfere with learning or teaching such as a student leaving their seat, calling out without raising their hand, or doing unrelated work during class. Interventions that could help stop the interference could include: nonverbal cues, such as lightly touching the students shoulder; redirecting behavior by reminding the whole class of appropriate behavior; using a brief desist to verbally tell the student to stop the behavior; or you offer the student a choice such as choose to behave or you will lose a privilege. And then there are major problems, problems that would keep me from doing my job, instruction and supervision. With major problems, I would first try some of the interventions for minor problems and if they did not work then I would have to try another tactic. I could assign the student a detention, I could refer the student to the office for the administration to deal with, or I could simply send the child out of the room if their behavior was dangerous to other students. I would, of course, immediately call the office to either come get the student or to have another teacher come to the room so that I could directly confront the problem with the student. With any type of behavioral correction the goals would be to immediately stop the behavior and to keep in from occurring again. My main goal is to stop inappropriate behavior before it become a major problem.

Rewards are frequently associated with punishments, or behavioral corrections. I think it would be easier for me to list the rewards I would not use than it will be to talk about the rewards that I will implement in my classroom. My purpose for rewards will be to support student engagement and self-management rather than to exert my control over the students. The main reward I will use is praise. My praise will be varied, personal, and sincere. When praising a student, I will use praise that will inspire intrinsic motivation such as “you should be so proud of yourself.” When my students hear intrinsic rather that extrinsic praise, “you are such a good student,” it will cause them to strive to work harder to satisfy their own goals and that will make for an excellent classroom environment. I will use praise when I see a student excel, make great improvement, overcome an adversity, or just give their best effort. On occasion, I might use some other forms of reward such as displaying excellent student work, extra activities like free reading or group writing, and I’ll probably use stickers or smiley faces on returned work. I would rather create a classroom where student want to be there and excel rather than one where I have to bribe the students to do work.

Now we will move onto my classroom procedures, routines, and policies. I’ve already gone over some classroom procedures such as where the supplies are located, when they are accessible, and where and when the computer may be used. I have also gone over my desk and stated that it is off limits to students unless I am there with them. Group work procedures have yet to be discussed, so let us talk about that now. Most all group activities will start with me giving group assignments that will be mixed as needed for the project. Optimally, I will have moved the desks before class has started, but if needed; I will have the student move them together. I will ensure that all groups are set up for success. Group rules will be the same as the class rules.

I have not gone over how I will handle transition periods. I will start the class by greeting students as they walk into the room and remind them to look at the board for their schedule and bell work. They will know where to sit because there will be assigned seating. For the first week or so of school, I will have name cards out to help me learn their names and to help them learn their seats. I will allow the students this opportunity for light conversation as long as they work is getting done. I will signify the end of conversation and bell work by taking my place on my round rug and calling attention to myself if the students haven’t settled down. If I need to call attention to myself I could easily do so by a simple clearing of my throat or by using an appropriate inductive hook to gain the students interest. I will try to use a quick transition during an activity change so that I don’t lose the interest of my students. If the students do lose interest, I will regain their attention by simply asking them to settle down. If we have to leave or return to the classroom, I expect some talking and goofing off and will allow a short time for this. When I need their attention, I will ask for it. With my last class, I will have some end of the day procedures. I will have the class ensure that there is no paper on the floor, that the desks are in order, and that all materials are put back where they belong. I will ask them to be quiet if there are any announcements. I will not let any of these activities start until five minutes before the bell rings. My hope is that the students will like and respect me enough to help make transitions easy.

I will have a consistent method for collecting and returning papers. First, I will require that all papers be folded lengthwise with their names, date, and assignment title written on the upper right hand corner. I will have the students pass in any homework or class work to the outer edges of the U and will let those student put the work in the appropriate folder in the right basket that is hanging off the material shelves. When it is time to return work, I will randomly ask students to hand back the work, which is folded in half to protect the students’ privacy, or I will hand back the work myself. I will not rely on one student to be the student helper, but rather let all students participate in order to foster feelings of a classroom community. I will allow make up work to be turned in to the make-up work basket at the beginning of class. I classify make-up work as work that was turned in while you were absent from my class. The work must be turned in the day you return unless you have discussed it with me and I allow you a grace period. This is also the basket where you will turn in any work that missed and made-up with a specified time period. I will let students have the opportunity to turn in late work if they have checked with me and with the understanding that it will not be graded for full credit. Students will need to turn this work in at the beginning of class. I will not remind students to turn in late or make-up work. I will hold them responsible for turning it in on their own.

If a student is late to my classroom, they will need to place the late pass on my desk and sit down quietly so not disturb the rest of the class. When a stopping point has been reached in class, I will take a moment to privately ask if the student is ok and to let them know what they have missed. I will not take away from teaching or learning to deal with tardiness. If a student is late without a pass, they need to sign on the clipboard hanging by the door. After three tardies, the student and I will come up with an appropriate punishment or work on a solution to prevent the tardiness in the future.

I believe that hall pass policy will be dictated by my school, but that I will be able to allow students to leave my room at my discretion. I will allow students to go to the library or other places while individual work is being done. I will not usually allow students to go to another teacher’s room, unless I know that the teacher has free time. I will keep an eye out for students who constantly want to leave my room, and talk to them to figure out why they feel they need to leave so often. I will allow students to go to the bathroom, as long as it doesn’t disturb the classroom. The procedure for going to the bathroom is as simple asking me if you can go and obtaining the bathroom pass. If bathroom breaks become a constant distraction, then I’ll talk to the student who is causing the distraction and we will try to work out a solution. If a student needs to go to the office, resource room, or nurse, I will handle it in the same way I handle hall passes.

What I have attempted to create here is a classroom where students feel confident in sharing their ideas, are comfortable in, are happy to come, and where they will succeed. I hope that my passion for learning and for teaching shines through every day. I hope to be an inspiration to my students as well as have them inspire me every day. I would like to create a community that the students take pride in. At the end of the day, I hope to leave the students wanting more and leave me a desire to come back to do it all again tomorrow and to do it even better.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Happy Camper

So, I'm sure you're all dying to hear about my wonderfully exciting weekend, right?
Well then, I'll tell you all about it.
It all started about a month ago when my mom was telling me her plans for Malcolm's birthday present. She told me that she would like to take him to Nashville to see the Parthenon and take his little brother too. No complaints here.
When I got back home that evening, I told Forest the good news: A weekend alone!!
Now, we do get to spend time alone together on a very regular basis on account of mom wanting to spend her Saturday night's and Sunday morning's with the boys. But a whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon, with no children just doesn't happen very often.
Well, we are not travel stay in a hotel kind of people, but we know we wanted to go away together.
What to do?---Camping!!
Not scary, backwoods, no facilities camping. But State Park, nice clean bathrooms camping.
On Friday night, we went grocery shopping, packed up the Explorer, and got a good night's sleep. We slept in on Saturday, then got going, only making one stop for ice on the way. Off to our favorite camping spot in Manchester, TN to Old Stone Fort Park.
Not a bad drive, just 45 miles of scenic views. It was about 4:30 in the afternoon when we got there, lots of sunlight still.
We drove right to the campsite, secretly hoping that it would be mostly empty due to it being Easter weekend. We were just sure that we'd get that perfect campsite right by the showers and bathrooms. And maybe we would have, but in February, all the pipes to the showers froze and busted. That entire area was roped off, no one aloud.
Luckily, there is another bathroom, so we went there. But no showers.
That's when I noticed them, 5 BIG campers all parked really close together with lots of ill behaved little kids running around. But that was ok, they were down farther from the bathrooms so I figured we'd be just fine. So I picked out the perfect site right in front of the bathroom. Just perfect. We parked and started unpacking. Well, Forest unpacked. I sat around and looked cute.
We got everything set up and just sat and talked. Nothing deep or important, just talked.
6:30pm rolled around and the man decided it was time to start lighting fires. Had to light the fire pit and the charcoal-- we had yummy steaks thank to mom!
Charcoal lit without a hitch. The fire starter in the fire pit under the perfectly seasoned logs burst into beautiful flames. Eating supper by the burning starter log, waiting for logs to catch. Still waiting. Waiting some more. That's when I got upset thinking that not only was I fixin to be cold all night, but that I might not get my S'Mores!!!!
Well, being the fix it man that he is, Forest quickly threw another starter log in and furiously poked at the logs trying to coerce them to light. Two year old, well seasoned, dry logs that would not burn. The paper towel thrown in on a whim wouldn't ignite. I was not amused. It did smoke a lot. I think that's we we started laughing.
 Ha ha- we lit a smoker, not a fire. Ha ha- have to climb into the tent and get under the sleeping bags to stay warm. Haha. Oh and there are lights next to the bathroom that stay on all night long. And the quintuplet-redneck-big campers put up the twinkle lights, rope lights, and way too loud radios. Haha. (I will admit that I had twinkle light envy. But stringing them up ALL over 5 campsites with loud screaming kids was a bit too much.)
Oh, and double ha, it was way colder than we thought it would be and I froze all night long (the fire still wasn't going). So I laid on the air mattress, next to Forest, under a pile of blankets staring at the twinkling lights of our neighbors and counting the number times the oh so close toilets flushed.
I nodded off a few times but was still awake when the sun started to come up.
I quietly snuck out of the tent and climbed onto the picnic table and watched the sunrise.
Yes, I missed Easter at church today. But I had the opportunity to be outside in God's beautiful world, appreciating it in it's full glory, reflecting on what salvation means to me.
And then I went back to my beloved and fell sound asleep in his arms.
What a perfect trip.





And I did get my S'Mores!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Special Project

This was a paper I had to write for a project in school. Thought I'd share.  :)



For this exercise, I chose to go grocery shopping as a woman who didn’t have the use of her legs. In order to do this, I went to Wal Mart and used a manual wheelchair. I chose to use a manual wheelchair so that this exercise had less chance of taking resources to people who actually needed them. I wheeled the chair around by myself some, but was pushed by my youngest son the majority of the time. My eldest son pushed the grocery cart and was responsible for putting the groceries in the cart. I tried to pick up most of the groceries off the shelf by myself, but did have to rely on help from others. I did all of my shopping, went through line and paid, and went all the way back to my car in the wheelchair. I also put the groceries in the trunk of my car with slight assistance from my boys.

In class, you had stated that this might be an embarrassing exercise to do. I found that my experience was quite different. From what all I’ve been through in my life, it’s hard for me to be embarrassed. While I didn’t exactly run into the store, grinning from ear to ear eager to do this, I wasn’t embarrassed. I found that people were more kind and accommodating to me. This could be because I had two children with me and they evoked sympathy from people. There were few bumps in the road while doing this exercise, but nothing that made the trip frustrating or overly difficult.

The first awkward part of this was trying to locate a wheelchair. The entrance that we came in did not have a manual wheelchair, only the motorized kind. So I had to walk the width of the store to get into a wheelchair. After a wheelchair was located, I found out that wheelchairs aren’t necessarily built for overweight people. I fit into it, but it wasn’t comfortable. This wheelchair was equipped to have a small basket attached to it, but the basket couldn’t be located. If that small basket was all that I could have used to put groceries in, I would have been very limited in what I could have gotten.

There were a few items that I would have normally purchased that I was unable to. Cat food was needed, and I could only get the small bag instead of our normal great big bag. There was plenty of room in the cart, but I couldn’t pick it up and neither could my boys. And if we had gotten it into the cart, it would have proven to be difficult at checkout. Most of the time, when people saw me reaching for things, they stepped over and got them for me. The one thing that we could not get was a box of crackers that were on the top shelf and not pulled to the front. I think I found an acceptable substitute, but my son was disappointed. The crackers were for him.

As a person without a disability, the exercise made me feel shameful. I felt guilty for taking a wheelchair when there could have been people who really needed it. I felt shame as people were so kind in helping me when I know that I could easily do it on my own. It didn’t feel right to play on the sympathies of others. Instead of evoking empathy for individuals who are bound to a wheelchair, I instead felt as though I was mocking them. As I was trying to get into a wheelchair, I watched as a man with a disability struggled to get situated in one as he had to fold and drag hid walker in behind him. I am the person who would have helped him, but couldn’t. The only positive thing that I saw coming out of this exercise was the lesson I was able to teach my children. I taught them that it is not ok to pretend to be disabled. I taught them to be kind and helpful always. I taught them how lucky they are to have able-bodied parents and to be able-bodied themselves and to appreciate it every day.

I’m not sure yet how this has impacted me. I feel bad for doing it. But I feel good in knowing that there are so many people out there how are willing to help. It feels to good knowing that my children learned a lesson. Will this change the way I treat disabled people, no. I’ve always been kind and helpful to those in need. And in my classroom, I’ll be the same. That’s just who I am.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Stepping on toes...


I watched something that made me uncomfortable tonight.

I should back up and tell you where I was.

The boys basketball league, Upward, had a banquet tonight.

This involved pizza, soda, cookies, and silly musicians. The pizza was edible, the cookies were homemade and wonderful, and the musician brought a message of God's love. While I know that if I'm honest about it, I would say that there were other places I'd rather be, but all in all it wasn't that bad. I did have the joy of watching Mac get picked to go up on stage. (Thank you kind musician for making the boy's life just a little bit brighter).

So all of that went well, no complaints. And what I have to say isn't really a complaint, it's an observation.

The kids got called up on stage as teams to receive their award. In the past, we've gotten basketballs and backpacks. Tonight we got miniature basketball goals, but the prize doesn't really matter. They're all pretty much the same.

OK, so the goal was to get all the players in an age group together on stage and take their picture. Now, this is after they've been given the fairly useless piece of plastic that probably has a life span of a week (in my house at least). The kids looked at the camera, smiled, and without thought or hesitation, raised their piece of plastic to the appropriate level below their faces.

All the sudden to me, that just didn't feel right. It got me thinking about all the things our children receive and how we encourage them to pose for the camera. Participation trophies, first place ribbons, recognition plaques, pieces of paper that say good for you-you breathed, or acknowledgement awards to show that they truly accomplished something amazing. It doesn't matter what the object is, we just want a picture.

These kids have been operantly conditioned to smile and hold the thing just right. They've been taught that everything thing they do is wonderful, every thought they have is spectacular, that they deserve an award just for existing.

While this might not be entitlement, it is definitely a self-centered practice. The children must have the thing to prove themselves and parents must take the picture to show how great their kid is. And maybe it's not the thing they get and the parents' picture, but the expectations.

We are teaching our children, from a young age, that they need to view their self-value through what someone gives them. We're teaching them that they can't draw from within themselves to see something of worth. We've trained them to just smile, and hold up the award without thought as to what that award means.

I am very proud of my children's accomplishments. But I'm more proud in how they chose to conduct themselves and in who they are becoming.

I don't take my camera places, and there are occasions that I regret that. And I can't say that I'll carry the memories in my heart, because I won't remember. I will remember the feelings though. The pride, the joy, the sense of true accomplishment-and those are my feelings, not the boy's.

So why do we do this to our kids? Who's needs are we trying to fill?

I work hard to not be that parent. I try to teach my boys that they should always try their best, but that their best might not always be good enough. I try to show them that awards are supposed to mean something.

I teach them not to pose. That authentic is much better.

I've probably stepped on toes by saying this. I know most would disagree. But this is how I feel and how I choose to raise my family.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

About today...

So, today hasn't been the best of days. Kinda rough. Some really good parts too. But it's funny how the bad can overwhelm the good.

It started out this morning by having to get up way to early, leaving the warm, strong, safe arms of my darling Forest. After getting ready, and running almost out of time, I left the house for a 60+ mile trip to New Hope, Alabama. For those of you not familiar with New Hope, it's a tiny little town, way far out of the way, that happens to have a high school. As part of my teacher training this semester, I must observe the way a specific teacher, who I was assigned to, teaches. I have to have logged at least 50 hours of observations before this semester is over. I don't mind. I rather like it. But the drive is rough.

I get to high school and found out that one of my teachers isn't feeling well and is cranky and the other is out sick and has a sub. Didn't make for a good day of insightful, reflective observing. But I did it anyway.

Big plus of being a student observer, I get to sit at the teacher's table at lunch. It is as magical as I always thought it was!

Well almost. Sitting with the teachers means you have to listen to the teachers and they are not always nice. I listened to a lot of discouraging stuff today. I attempted to change the subject and say positive things, but people would rather listen to bad things. So that was stinky.

But I got to leave after lunch! And instead of just going and sitting around waiting for class, I went to surprise mom at work! She gave me coffee, told me good things, we played with a silly little questionnaire from my darling, crazy Aunt Blynda, and just generally had a great time. It's so cool to have a mom and a friend all wrapped up in one!

I had to leave to get back to UAH to meet up with my partner so we could get started on a project~he stood me up. While I was waiting for him, I ran into another classmate who told me that our class was cancelled tonight. An email had been sent out but I hadn't had the time to check it all day. First, knee-jerk reaction: wohoo! no class! get to go home early! But that happy thought imediately left. We didn't have class because my profesor's 26 year old son, Patrick, died today. We were told by other professors that it was sudden and tragic, but they couldn't tell us anything else. Dr. Gail Pritchard and her family immediately went to the top of my prayer list.

Minutes after getting the news, mom called me. I told her about Dr. Pritchard and the family was added to the prayer list. Then she asked me if I knew someone, Mr. Rushton. Well yeah. He was my eighth grade history teacher. An amazing teacher. One of the teachers in my past who influenced me to be a teacher so I could be as good as him. He died today. I know that I have to work even harder now to ensure that I keep his memory alive by being an excellent teacher.

Time to cool down. Stopped by one of my favorite professors room to she if she was still around to chat with. Dr. Monica Dillihunt is great. Easy to talk to. Funny. Compassionate. And just good to be around. While we were talking, her cell phone rang. It was her sister. I asked if she needed to take it and offered to leave, but she said it wasn't a big deal. So we kept on chatting away for a while longer, then parted so she could finish her work and I could go home to do homework.

While I was trying to leave, a classmate who hadn't received the email came bounding up to me, ready for class. I passed the news on to her and stood around awhile talking. She asked if I wasn't busy, could I check over some work of hers. I didn't have a problem with that and we went into the classroom. So I helped her with some things that she didn't quite understand. In the back of my head, I was thinking that I should be o the road, heading towards home. But I'm glad that I wasn't. Dr. Dillihunt must have heard my voice from down the hall. She came into the room, put her head on my shoulder, and being who I am, I just hugged her. She half whispered in my ear that her sister had called because her cousin , a young man named Rodie, had died suddenly and tragically. I just kept on hugging her til she finally pulled away. She asked for my prayers, and I promised them.

I left the building shortly thereafter, afraid that more bad news might come my way.

My heart is heavy tonight.
My prayers are many.

I'll try to not forget some of the good parts of the day.
But I won't forget the bad parts either. As self-centered as it may be, those parts help me remember all that is good in my life.

Thank you God for all you have given me. And please let the grieving, sorrowful, and needy feel your comfort and grace.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I had to do a project for a class where we had to choose books to represent our lives and what is most important to us. A paper was also required and I thought I'd share it!




I have built my life on a firm foundation of books. I learned to read at a very young age and have had a book in my hands ever since. Books are friends when I am lonely. Books never judge me. When life is too much, books take me away. Books share their knowledge with no hesitation. Books have shaped my thoughts and beliefs. When I am looking for guidance, books show me the way. I have always been able to define myself through books, and this assignment let me use books to help define that which is most important to me, my family.

My husband Forest is a wonderful man whom I am lucky to share my life with. His curiosity and playfulness keep me on my toes. He has many interests and hobbies which all include making some sort of mess. Forest’s main passion is cars and he holds a special place in his heart for Mustangs. Peter Henshaw, author of Mustang, was able to capture every thing my husband loves about these cars in one book. My husband doesn’t read many books, but he has read this one over and over again always pointing out the mistakes. There was no real process in selecting this book for Forest; he loves this book and it brings me joy to watch him read it.

Sister Mary Mollianne’s Gift is a book written for my mother, about my mother by Marty Bibee. This sweet book explores the kind, caring, loving nature of my mother, Mollianne. I have always been blessed to know this part of my mother, and now it has been shared to all who read this book. This was the only book I considered when searching for a book to tell about my mother, and all I had to do to get a copy was call my sweet mom.

My oldest son and my father share a common interest, space. My son, Malcolm, has his heart set on being a rocket scientist while my father, Ed, is a rocket engineer. Malcolm dazzle’s me with his ever expanding knowledge of all things space. Ed has me begging to know what he is doing for work. The Planets in our Solar System by Franklyn M. Branley is a factual book about the planets. The specific content of this book plays little role in why I chose this book. I chose this book to represent the common bond shared between my dad and son.

My youngest son, Sean, is a child filled with laughter. He laughs at jokes; he laughs at life; and he laughs at himself. This child can find humor in any situation and he wants to share it with everyone he knows. One of his favorite forms of humor is jokes. He loves jokes no matter how awful they are. He loves to tell jokes, but he isn’t very good at it. He messes up the delivery and almost always forgets the punch line, but that doesn’t stop him. It was rather hard to pick a book that showed this side of my son until I started going through our bookshelves. When I saw D.J. Macaw’s Joke Book by Mary Ellen Sias, I knew that I had found the perfect book. The content of the book isn’t that great, the illustrations leave a lot to be desired, but the intent and desire of the book to bring joy is a perfect fit for Sean.

When I started going through my bookshelves to find a book for me, one book in particular kept calling my name. I tried to find another, but my mind kept going back to this one. Scarlet Monster Lives Here by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat is a book that I treasure from my childhood that still teaches me important lessons today. It is a gentle reminder that to have a friend, you must be a friend. That people will like you despite your flaws. And that friendship comes in all shapes and sizes. Even as an adult with children of my own, it’s good to be reminded of these things from time to time.


What I leaned about myself while doing this project is all wrapped up in my final book selection. Counting Blessings by Debby Boone reminds me to always count my blessings. While my life can be crazy, chaotic, and out of control, I have true blessings in the people I hold closest. This people enrich my life and make me feel loved every day. The blessings in my life are too numerous to count, but I can always start with my family.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Roles of Importance



There's this thing, this idea, that's been swimming around in my head for quite a while now. I've tried to ignore it, tried to write around it. But whatever this idea is, it's been keeping me from writing about anything else. I haven't been able to concentrate on any thought long enough to do anything with it. Except for the one, overwhelming thought that creeps into every space of my life. I swear that I've written that blog a hundred times in my head, hoping that would be enough to squelch the thought so I could move on. And it's not like it's some amazing, thought provoking, wonderfully amusing thing rattling around in here. It's more like a no duh why are you even bothering with it kind of a thought. But it is my thought. And I have to think it's of some value, if for no other reason then to clear my head. So here goes. Annie thoughts and Annie feelings, with the truth as I see it.

It seems kinda of silly saying it aloud, but it just very recently occurred to me just how important the role of fathers are in our lives. Not just my life, but in everyone I know. I'm not saying that mom's haven't influenced our lives, but I never really realized just how much fathers do. I know that I have had lots of issues with fathers, but I thought it was just my burden. I know better now.

It really hit me when I started thinking about my boys and the influence fathers have played in their lives. At such young ages, I already see how their lives are being molded by fathers. Nothing is simple or easy in our family regarding fathers. That's just not our style.

Mac has an odd relationship with father. His biological father has been a constant role in his life. He's been the fun dad who gets to love a well behaved, no problems kind of Mac. Mac loves that father, but I've never seen respect, no real impact on who my child is or wants to be. It's been an up and down relationship with his stepfather, my husband, Forest. Mac loves him but still feels a loyalty to his father. And Forest loves him, some days for no other reason than Mac is my son. They are both learning the difference between the father who is there every day and the one who isn't. Mac sees the difference in loving your family because they are family and choosing to love someone and making them family by watching his fathers. Mac's 11 almost 12 little years have already shown him that family is who takes care of you and he has learned this through his fathers and through the wonderful influence of his grandfather.

Sean's relationship with father has been a little more sorrowful. Sean's father died of leukemia before he was even 2. So he has nothing but my memories to go by and I never thought I'd have to remember it all. Instead of ever being bitter or hateful about losing his father, Sean has instead pulled fatherly attention towards him in amazing ways. Sean is loved more deeply by his grandfather and stepfather than I believe a biological father could love. I know and love this child, but the love he shares with these two men is a truly awesome thing to behold. Sean has learned from his fathers that love exists with whomever you choose to share it with.

I've watched my husband struggle with how father has shaped his life. He lost his father almost 25 years ago and he still mourns every day, but he won't talk about his father. He idealizes his father and tries to make himself in his father's image, never seeing that the image might be flawed. The way he chooses to father is based on these memories and is frustrating and wonderful and filled with good intention and with love. And it's not just the way he decides to be a father. It's every part of his life. His relationship with everyone. It's really hard to watch someday's. My husband's struggle with how to be a man has been molded by his relationship with his father.

My life has been shaped over and over again by father. I've had ups and down, maybe more downs than ups. I have at times let the idea of father consume my life. I've been lulled to a peaceful sleep by father and been kept awake tormented nights by father. I loved father and I've hated father. I could never ignore father. I have two fathers. One I have recently chosen to be friends with and one who now takes care of me and tells me that he's proud of me which something I've always wanted from father. My relationship with fathers lead me to many of the decisions I've made in life, both good and bad. I've spent a good deal of my life looking for father.

And there is one that I've constantly overlooked. The Father that I couldn't run away from even when I tried. The Father I couldn't hide from no matter where I was. The Father who was always there even when I thought I didn't want Him. The Father who always wanted me. It has never mattered to Father if I'm good or bad, right or wrong, He loves me no matter what. This seems like simple stuff but it's very hard for me some days. I try everyday to give control over to my Father, because I know He'll take care of me. I'm learning everyday that God, my heavenly Father, is enough.

My earnest prayer is that the relationship with my Father shapes my life and the life of all those I love more than anything else ever will. I pray that we give our lives to this Father. I pray that we all know just how much this Father loves us and what wonderful things He will do in our lives. I pray that He is the one that will mold my life most.

One of these days, I'll quit looking for father. I will be able to accept who my Father is and what He wants for me. Hopefully sooner than later.