Handing it over

I did something really hard.

I mean, unbelievably, unfathomable, big time hard.

I handed over a decision.

A big one too.

Not just "what's for supper?" but a life shaping "you decide what's best" kind of decision.

You see, I had it in my head that we had to move. If you saw my house you'd understand that to me it was a have to not want to. It didn't help matters that my children's school was closing and my kids were school-less. And the school that they would now be sent to was unacceptable.

So the discussions began. And by discussions I mean that I talked my husband's ear off teling him what I wanted him to agree to without ever really listening to him--and that's how most all our discussions go.

Summer started, cleaning/packing began, and we started looking for a place to go.

Budget tight, must haves high.

We looked at lots of places and I fel in love with parts of all of them.

And he was silent.

I didn't ask how he felt about any place, I just made my own plans in my head.

And oh my head!

It was spinning and whirling and running and making so much noise! I had driven myself to stress levels that should never be allowed in any human. I was making myself sick.

Summer's racing by and I haven't decided! And now we have to go away for a week! A whole week of not looking talking hunting seeing!

And it was a great week. I saw sides of my husband and son I didn't know existed. But I was still stressed.

I prayed and prayed, wore out my knees praying that week. "Where should I move, where should I put my kids in school, what should I decide?" I didn't feel like I was getting any answer.

But I was feeling even more stressed. My body was rebeling against me! What was I going to do?

And then, in a moment of clairity, I thought about Forest. No, he doesn't have a perfect track record regarding decisions, but he also loves me and wants what's best for our family. And, he doesn't get stressed.

So we got back from our week, and I left for my week.

But before I left, I asked him to please decide for me. That I couldn't do it anymore. And then I said the scary thing. I said that I would go along non-grudgingly with whatever decision he made.

We've been a part of each other's lives for close to eight years now.

This was the first time I've put a decision like this in his hands.

Why, oh why didn't I do this sooner?

So I'm staying in house I hated and my kids are going to the school I thought was unacceptable. But he tells me that it'll all be ok, and I believe him.

And this, my friends, is a really big step for me.