Goodbye October

October has been a real test for me and I'm not sad to see it go.
I know that on a large scale, visible to everyone it might not seem like it's been too bad.-I know I've had worse.
And any single event would have been taken lightly.
But every week, every day, something else has popped up.
Catastrophe after catastrophe. Fights, technically difficulties, and crappy doctor's appointments.

And I've handled it all very spectacularly. I wanted to beak down, give up, give in, but I haven't.
What this month has really brought to me though is doubts. It's made me feel horrible about myself and every choice I've ever made.

I doubt my ability to mother one of my sons--he's driving me nuts in a way I didn't know was possible, even find myself not taking his side. And I find myself wondering if I'm the right parent for him.

I doubt my ability to be a good wife--my husband and I are living such different schedules and I'd rather pity myself than try to help the fragile relationship we have. And the fights and frigidity follow.

I doubt my ability to be a friend--I ignored her when she reached out to me and can't or just won't find time in my life for her. Maybe I'm just not cut out for friendship.

I doubt my faith. I can't get over myself enough to place trust where it belongs and just give my life over. I try and blame the church, but I know better.

All of this is hard. I've been though it all before in varying shapes and usually come out on top(-ish).
 But I always knew, 100%, without doubt that there was still one thing I was good at.
I was good at school.
I took real pride in what I was doing and in the kind of student I was.
And maybe if it was just one teacher or one assignment, I wouldn't have noticed.
But no, not in October. In October, every single one of my teachers have called me out, either out loud, in class or in semi-personal notes telling me that I'm just not that good at what I'm doing.
I don't write well, I don't comprehend complex material, I talk too much, and that my thoughts might be ok if someone else were expressing them.
What feels like the final nail in the coffin was a comment left for me tonight.
I was being honest with the teacher when I told her that I'm not sure I understood the reason for analyzing and dissecting literature, that it seemed to take away some of the pleasure of reading. Her response was that I'd just be better off doing book-clubs. That I wasn't quite literature material.

And it hurt.
I know how stupid it sounds, but I try so hard at this and the people who I had come to really respect tell me I shouldn't even bother.

I  know I can't be the best at everything. Heck, I know I can't even do everything! I don't have aspirations of being a super-mom.
Right now I'd settle for mediocre-mom. And wife. And friend. And follower.

I know that it will all blow over, that life has it's ups and downs. But right now it's feeling plenty down.

But don't you worry about me. I'll just plaster that fake smile across my face and pretend that everything's fine.
And eventually it will be.

I just hope that there aren't any more October's in my near future.